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November 28, 2011
I had an unpleasant encounter with the edge of a dumpster I fell around five feet into. I'm too old to be taking shots like this. This is what happens when you fail to plan ahead and end up seeking out a living performing manual labor. I was excited about the prospects of this job and now that reality has set in, I have once again been deceived into thinking my problems would be solved. This job is dangerous. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone and save up a bankroll. This is my last chance. I know I lack skills in making long term decisions. Now that I know this, I think I can focus on accomplishing what I need to do. I know I am supposed to be working in a healing profession, whatever that may be. I want to attend a state accredited massage school. There are many such schools right here in Madison, Wisconsin. I need one year. If I don't end up crippling myself in the process doing this insane work I'm doing, I will make it. I am feeling remorse at not making a better go at this life I have been given, but it has taken me this long in coming to grips with who I am. It isn't too late to turn things around. I never thought I was going to live this long. I hate the idea that I will die not having accomplished something. With this in mind, I hope the days ahead will be kind and longevity is still within my grasp. I need time to turn things around for the better.
November 20, 2011
Work is good. I just completed a training course last week. I am now a certified Wisconsin Asbestos Supervisor. Good things continue to come my way but to be honest, life isn't getting better. The money is coming in and bills will be paid. Other than that, I am an empty shell. I don't want to live this way. I have my work cut out for me. As far as documents and other world news, I don't care anymore. All I want is to be happy one last time before I die. I don't think this is something beyond my reach. Then again, the simple pleasures of life are the very things I have never been able understand. The simple pleasures I think life has to offer aren't the things the general public values. The things people value entail mindless dribble, back stabbing, and shitting on people. What a fucking wonderful life this is.
November 6, 2011
Life is a strange and wondrous place. All my life I have believed this. All my life I have crawled out of bed, put my socks and underwear on and ventured into a world I don't understand. It's no wonder I have always felt like I don't belong in this time or place. On October 17, 2011 I was researching. I stumbled on something, the elusive piece of a puzzle that has eluded me. There was a method to this discovery. My brother who has gone his separate way has an autistic son. I wondered, "where did this autism come from?" So, I began looking into autism. This is what I discovered. My brother and I have Aspergers Syndrome. I haven't had a formal evaluation or diagnosis, but there is no doubt to the validity. I have 56 years of experience to base this personal evaluation on.
I won't go into any of the specifics about myself or my brother. It's textbook. I am relived. A great weight has been lifted from my shoulders because everything makes sense now. I'm a dollar short and a day shy of coming to this revelation. I may have had a better chance of making something of myself if I had known why I am so eccentric. I might have had an opportunity to create a career in a field of personal interest. I think it is too late for this. My present job pays extremely well but it isn't a job I enjoy. It is killing me physically. I don't know how long I will be able to hold up. The thought of working outside this winter makes my stomach turn. Regardless, things are looking better. There is only one direction from here on out, and that is up.
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